The Intern
by samsolace
Summary: It is Christmas to New Years S2, 5 ch. Merek. Meredith's hurt, tired, sad. She's circling the drain. Derek struggles to do the right thing. When sex, tequila, work fail Meredith what can she do, but try to leave Seattle Grace. She wins in the end.
1. Survivor

**This is a three or four part story that has been in the back of my mind for a really long time. Actually before anything else I've written. **

**It takes place in season two during the holiday season. I'm a Merek shipper so this is mainly about Meredith with everyone else secondary to her. It starts with a lot of angst and ends in triumph. The first chapter is the intro and sets the scene.**

**For those of you who read Acts of Love this is in the same AU, but prior to Acts, which takes place mainly in season three.**

**Please review any chapter. Even if the story is finished, I'd still love to hear from you. sam  
**

The Intern

Chapter 1: Survivor

Dr. Meredith Grey was a survivor. She'd survived the loss of every single caregiver she'd ever had, including her parents. She'd survived a Swiss boarding school and numerous private schools all over the US. She'd survived Mt. Kilimanjaro. She'd survived her mother's degenerative brain disease. She'd survived giving up her own dream in favor of her mother's dream of medical school. She'd survived graduation alone. She'd survived.

She would survive this. So her boyfriend dumped her. So the man she thought was her "soul mate" was really her "black hole fate". Girls got confused between those two things all the time. So he was reunited with his perfect Isabella Rossellini look-alike wife, add-a-sin. So what if they were everywhere, the perfect happy couple, like his and her surgical bookends. The Shepherd and the She-Shepherd. Yeah. No one said survival wasn't bitter.

Meredith Grey would endure. She would stand her ground. What did it matter if she was the laughing stock of the entire hospital? Who cared if the second year surgical residents were betting on Grey's drop-out date, and the third years were giving odds on when the She-Shepherd would destroy Grey? So what if the nurses had lost all respect for her, whispering and pointing? She was a miserable, diseased, dirty ex-mistress, after all.

Dr. Grey wasn't going to give in. Too bad, so sad if she'd lost her looks, growing homely with depression, exhaustion and sadness. No one needed to know that she could hardly swallow past the lump of sorrow in her throat. No need to call the CDC because she was still sick in love with him – it wasn't catching.

Meredith Grey knew how to work. Work would save her. Yeah.

_I can count on work ... work, tequila and boys,_ she thought, w_ell, I could until Steve. Remember Steve? Priapism Steve ... maybe it's just work now._

She used to have something else to count on until her mother took it away from her. But, that doesn't matter now, work! Work would work. If she just worked hard enough, long enough, intensely enough, nothing else would matter. Work had saved her from Thanksgiving, even though she'd had to deal with Shepherd most of the day. Work would save her from Christmas and New Year's. Work was saving her now from her roommates and Cristina. Work, yeah.

_Please. _Meredith didn't know who she was pleading with or what she was pleading for. The word popped up on the computer screen of her consciousness every now and then. She ignored it.

Meredith lay on an old discarded gurney in the cold tunnels under the oldest part of Grace. She kept warm with a tatty old blanket from peds. She liked the Ariel the Mermaid pattern. She checked her watch. It was 3:59 AM Christmas Eve. This was her forty-seventh hour on duty. She set her watch for forty one minutes and closed her gritty eyes in instant sleep.

In one hour Meredith would rack up one hundred sixty hours on duty in eight days. First, she had worked a straight forty eight hour shift, her regular long haul. She had eight hours off, then covered O'Malley's on-call shift for sixteen hours, because he had the flu. That backed up to her regular shift of sixteen hours making a total of thirty two straight. She had eight hours off. Meredith's next shift was sixteen hours, then she covered Steven's on-call for sixteen hours, because Izzie got the flu from George – another thirty two straight. Meredith took an eight hour nap in an on-call bed and was back for her regular forty eight. Take a breath.

Rounds started at 5:00 AM. The next shift of sixteen was about to begin. Meredith had already grabbed a shower, fresh scrubs and her lab coat so she was prepared. She'd been up most of the night charting and reporting, medicating and monitoring. She'd taken care of eight surgical emergencies brought into the Pit. Two had died. She'd dealt with the morgue and the families. She didn't need pre-rounds. She already knew every case on surgical in depth because she'd put in the hours. Labs would be ready on the dot for her, guaranteed by Mickey, her reliable dweeb friend in testing.

Meredith's alarm beeped shrilly and she stood before she even realized she was supposed to be awake. She automatically loaded her intern gear onto her waistband, and pockets, grabbed the completed reports and started up the stairs. Meredith speed dialed Bernice, the coffee hut lady in the lobby.

"Bernice, it's Dr. Grey, I'm on my way. Yes, thank you."

She speed dialed the lab.

"Mickey , it's Dr. Grey, yeah, be right there. Thank you." Meredith swung through the lobby, picking up four prepaid, preordered hot drinks. She left a generous tip and Bernice smiled and nodded. Then she swiftly made her way to the lab. She ignored everything and everyone around her, with practiced ease, seeing only Bernice and Mickey.

"Hey Mickey, merry Christmas. Vente White Chocolate Mocha for you and a tall Caramel Macchiato with a shot of hazelnut for Tommy. You are the man, always on time, thank you." Meredith waved to the tall, slightly stooped lab tech.

He grinned and waved back as he sipped. Meredith scooped up the myriad of priority lab reports and continued at top speed to Bailey's rounds. She swept by an old man just finishing his shift for the night, storing his mops and cleaning supplies away in an broom closet.

"Mr. Sandage, merry Christmas to you. Please say hello to your wife for me." Mrs. Sandage was a patient at the same home as Ellis Grey. Meredith had helped the old man get the job at the hospital after he told her he was having difficulty meeting all the bills from his wife's illness, even with good retirement benefits from Boeing. "Herbal tea with a twist of lemon. Have a great day." Meredith paused and gave the old man a small, rare smile.

"You too, Dr. Grey. Did you get any sleep at all? You're working too hard, dear," he said in concern.

"Yeah, I got a little sleep, I've got to go. I'm starting a new shift. Bye." Meredith sped away.

She got to the nurses' station just as Nurse Debbie buttoned her coat and picked up her purse.

"Thank you for all the help last night, Caffé Soy Latte, right? Merry Christmas." Meredith swiped a tired hand over her face and dumped all the paperwork on the counter top. She quickly sorted everything into appropriate piles for Dr. Bailey.

Debbie looked at the tired girl in front of her with concern, "Yes, thank you Dr. Grey. You're welcome, it was a tough night. You did well."

Meredith looked up in surprise. That was the first overtly kind remark Head Nurse Debbie had ever made to her. She nodded and went back to sorting.

Debbie had reserved judgment on this intern at first. Her mother was a big name and there was no telling how much the girl had traded on it. But now, after the fallout from the Shepherd debacle, Debbie could see Grey's true mettle. The girl was hurt and down, no question. She never smiled any more, but then neither did Debbie. Even though they had gossiped and pointed, she had not said one harsh word to any of the nursing staff. If anything, she became more polite, more considerate, more soft-spoken.

Debbie was aware, as no one else in authority, of the hours the girl was racking. She said nothing because Grey seemed to need the work as much as the work needed her. Grey made no complaints when every other intern whined continuously. Debbie made a decision. Dr. Grey was a good one and she would help her out as much as possible. She sipped her coffee. The girl was hauling enough baggage. The nurses under Debbie's command would cease gossip about Grey today. Period.

Dr. Bailey and the rest of her interns arrived at the nurses' station. Meredith felt a mild amusement at the annoyance in Cristina's eyes. Mer wasn't late as the others had thought. She was actually at the station first. She gave Cristina a mocking half-smile and allowed herself a point on her internal scoreboard. She'd started keeping the board sometime in the last week as a silly game with herself. She pictured her point as a tiny yellow smiley face with one eye winking. Good for her.

"Dr. Bailey, we had two mortalities and six new admissions from the Pit last night. The reports are here. I've requested consults and MRI or CT times for the new admissions. I believe four will need to be placed on the surgical schedule for today." Meredith indicated the four in question.

"Blood work from last night is here. Overnight labs are here, priority labs are on the top. All pre-op patient charts are current. No incidents to report. All post-operative reports are complete with x-rays, EKGs, MRIs, CTs, lab reports, and physicians' and nurses' notes." Meredith continued efficiently.

"Mr. Keller in 2404 has had spiking fever and increasing pain through the night. I administered additional IV antibiotics and increased his pain meds. I paged Dr. Monahan several times. He has not responded. I now have a page out for the senior attending on that service to consult. I requested a psych consult for Ms. Gonds in 2205 and social services consults for Ms. Howser in 2412 and Ms. Sanchez in 2436 for this morning." Dr. Grey finished and stood very still, calmly not wasting any energy.

Dr. Bailey had a pleased, impressed look on her face. Cristina's expression was sour and George's mouth was hanging slightly open. Izzie's brows were arched high as she studied Meredith in surprise. Alex spoke for them all, "Whoa, dude, did you get any sleep at all last night?"

"Yes, a little." Meredith replied truthfully.

"Excellent work, Dr. Grey," Bailey was looking through the mountain of records and charts and reports. Meredith's scoreboard picked up a fat pink smiley face with eyes wide and a toothy grin. She gave a tiny snicker inside.

"What are you trying to do? Make the rest of us look bad?" Cristina hissed.

"I'm just doing my job, Cristina." The tiny burst of amusement over, Meredith tiredly gathered her clean, but unbrushed hair into a ragged pony tail and then doubled it into a loose loop. She looked up and caught her breath.

Dr. Shepherd, clad in dark blue scrubs and a crisp white lab coat, bounded down the stairs full of energy. Meredith shrank back and stepped behind Karev. Her heart hurt at the sight of him – McDreamy gorgeous with beautiful blue eyes and black curls in charming disarray around his handsome face. Darn, she was supposed to be too tired to feel anything. Instead she was too tired to block the burst of fangirl love in her heart, followed by feelings of self-loathing and stupid inadequacy. She pictured two tiny devil faces and a sad crybaby face posted on her scoreboard for her crimes. Bad Meredith.

_He doesn't love you, remember? He didn't pick you; he didn't choose you. You are a loser. Get it. See? He is happy. Dumping me hasn't affected him at all, not really. Look, Meredith, he never loved you. People don't. You know that. Nothing's changed. No cowering. Stand up straight. You can do this. Everything's going to be okay. _

"Good morning, Dr. Bailey, doctors. Could you please round on my patients and consults first? I have surgery scheduled early this morning and won't have time later to join you," Dr. Shepherd caught sight of the edge of Meredith's shoulder behind Karev.

He frowned. She always did that now – disappeared when he was around. He knew it would be hard for her, for both of them in the beginning. He hadn't expected it to get steadily worse, as weeks of separation stretched into months, for both himself and Meredith. The holidays, especially, made it rough. He'd thought they'd both adjust and move on with time. He was married, for God's sake. Addison was beautiful and talented, some said, he was a lucky man, right? (_She's not my _faerie_ girl,_ his secret inner voice whispered). What was he doing still pining to see Meredith's briefest smile? And where were her smiles? They seemed gone forever. He grieved for her.

"Of course, Dr. Shepherd. Dr. Grey take the trauma pager. You're on call to the Pit. After rounds, I expect you to catch up on some sleep today, if the Pit is not busy. The last thing we need is for you to be the next one to get the flu. Follow me people, we don't have all day," snapped the diminutive Nazi, snatching up the appropriate charts and labs and quickly rearranging rounds in her mind.

Meredith followed Bailey, making sure she was tucked safely between Izzie and Cristina in line. Derek reeled inwardly when he caught sight of her pale, thin face. Purplish circles ringed her eyes, her lips were bloodless, and stress lines were forming around her mouth. Her hair was dull and lifeless. _She_ looked dull and lifeless. Derek would bet Meredith had lost weight – weight she could ill afford to lose.

_What was going on? When was the last time she slept? Wasn't she eating? I know we work the interns to death, but I didn't think it was supposed to be literally. Meredith. Meredith. _He couldn't help willing her to look at him. He wanted to see the expression in her eyes.

Meredith avoided Shepherd at all costs. She stayed in the background of the patients' rooms letting the other interns shine for Shepherd. She had no intention of being tortured by the Shepherd or the She-Shepherd today. Not today. She was too tired. She decided the universe owed her a boon.

_Yeah, that's it, I can see it. Me with a boon. _ She pictured a doggy happy face with a bone in its mouth on the inner scoreboard. A tiny smile wafted over her insides and eased her pain.

Derek did his job automatically. He listened to the interns, Bailey, and the patients. He answered questions. He dealt with family members. He examined, evaluated, and prescribed. The whole time he thought he'd go mad.

Meredith was in her own world. It was a world that certainly didn't include him. She wouldn't acknowledge his existence in any way. His heart grew leaden with the pain of her rejection. Wait, he'd rejected her first. He should be glad she'd given up on him. He was with Addison, he reminded himself _again_.

Derek didn't care. He missed her. He wanted to be near Meredith, spend time with her, find out if she was eating. That couldn't hurt. All he had to do was tell Bailey he wanted her on a case. No, he'd heard Bailey give her the Pit in the hopes she'd get some sleep. He wouldn't interfere with that. He let all the interns walk out of his last patient's room ahead of him. He managed to catch Meredith's eye for a few seconds. He was shocked by the blank eternity in her icy green gaze. It was suddenly hard to breathe.

Meredith followed Dr. Bailey on rounds, focusing on work, glad to be away from Shepherd. She started shining, filling in all the details the other interns didn't know. Patients greeted her with relief, glad to see a familiar face. Family members recognized Dr. Grey as the only doctor available in the panicked wee hours of the night. One old lady patted Dr. Grey on the knee, telling Dr. Bailey what a good girl she was. The others on rounds gulped in surprise when Meredith gave an all out smile at that and said thank you. A new point occupied her scoreboard. It was a chubby happy face with a halo and wings. Her smile lasted two more seconds over that.

"Dr. Grey, good work. Get some sleep." The Nazi continued to give the others orders.

"Did you see that?" Izzie asked George behind a chart.

"Meredith smiled." George still looked stunned.

"I didn't realize how bad she looked until she smiled." Izzie started.

"Dr. Stevens, did you have something to share?" asked Bailey.

"No, Dr. Bailey." said Izzie hastily.

Meredith left quickly while Bailey was chewing them out, avoiding Cristina. She was well aware that Izzie and George had been whispering about her – again – and she decided their scoreboards should have their points gagged curtesy of Dr. Bailey. That image gave her just enough energy to make it to an on call room. It was mercifully empty. She couldn't bear sharing so she locked the door. She stripped her lab coat, unloaded all her intern gear, kicked off her shoes and laid her tired body down. Every motion was precise. This she'd learned over the last week – don't waste energy in unnecessary movement. She wished she had the mermaid blanket, she thought, as she closed bloodshot eyes and slept.

One hundred and sixty two happy face points on Meredith's scoreboard, one for each hour she'd worked, put on nightcaps and snoozed, with little Z's floating above their heads.

**Please don't skip the option to review.  
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	2. Off to Work I Go

**Meredith rocks at her job. She's still the target of attack because she's a lowly intern trying to do the right thing and because a lot of people are still very jealous of her. Exhaustion is amplifying all the negatives and skewing her perspective so she can't feel the good she's doing. It is like the 'goods' don't count and the 'bads' count double.**

**Thank you to everyone who reads and reviews. I really love that. sam**

The Intern

Chapter 2: Off to Work I Go

Dr. Grey dreamed of one hundred sixty five itsy-bitsy very sleepy happy faces on her inner scoreboard opening their heavy-lidded eyes and speaking to her. She tried to hear them but couldn't. Something was making too much noise. Finally tiny comic strip voice bubbles appeared above their heads. She squinted to read the tiny words. Wake up... wake up... wake up! Oh. Again? Okay.

The trauma pager was beeping shrilly. Meredith was up, yawning. She checked her watch. Not bad, three straight hours of sleep, yay. She checked the page. Surgical consult in the Pit for a burn victim. Mer decided she could make a two minute pit stop in the ladies, and then she'd have to have food and water on the fly.

Meredith sped into a ladies room. Every move she made was efficient and high speed. She heard a very fast version of Korsakav's "The Flight of the Bumblebee" in her head. Not good. No.

She used the facilities, washed her hands and face, and brushed her teeth with a small folding toothbrush, all the while avoiding looking in the mirror. Who wanted to see Frankenstein's bride reflected? She knew bed-head was still popular in Seattle, but hers could give Angela Landsbury a run for her money.

_This hair sucks, maybe I should try dreads, _Meredith thought morosely. A surgeon in dreads. What? It could happen. A tiny chorus of laughing happy face points in dreads appeared on her inner scoreboard, the letters lol floating above their silly heads. _I'm losing it, lol. My brain on exhaustion is almost as bad as my brain on drugs._

Meredith ran for the Pit. She was trying to make up for the time she had stolen. She stuffed a bite of health bar in her mouth. It tasted exactly like cardboard, but it was supposed to have nutrients and calories, so whatever, everything tasted like cardboard. She dodged a group of laughing interns (w_ait, interns who had time to laugh? lol?_ her tired brain questioned) trying to catch the closing elevator.

_Made it. Yay! ... No! ... Crap! _

The elevator was already occupied by the happy, gorgeous, flawless He-She-Shepherds, Attendings, Surgeons Extraordinaire. Unhappy, ugly, flawed First Year Intern Grey maneuvered to place her back to the She and the She between her and the He. She managed to avoid eye contact, so she stuffed another bite of cardboard into her mouth. She chewed and chewed.

_Don't even go there, _she silently told the decidedly unhappy cow face that appeared chewing cud on her inner screen. It stuck its tongue out at her. She wanted to respond in kind, but didn't want the dashing duo to notice she'd lost her mind. The chorus of "Walk Over Me" played in her head. Depression settled somewhere around her thighs. _Hey is that the original cause of thick thighs? Doctor, my thighs are getting fatter with depression. Works for me. The He and, worse, the She are now looking at my bride's hair and my thick thighs. Deal with it._

The elevator doors clanged open. The She stepped out, in her Claudia Ciuti pumps, snooty perfect nose in the air as always. Meredith uncharitably stared at her back wishing a bear would eat add-a-sin's left shoe. What? It could happen.

The house mates who spent more time in her mother's house than she did, stepped on the elevator from Hades. Each held brown paper sack lunches and bottles of water. Meredith eyed them even as she urged the elevator to get a move on.

"You owe me," she whispered through parched lips and cardboard crumbs. Everyone heard her in the cloistered silence of the elevator. The He shifted behind her as if preparing to speak. No.

"What?" they said, confused, the dummies.

"Sixteen hours each, count 'em." she tried again, gesturing to the manna from heaven, "I haven't been home in five days. I'm starved. Share."

"This? But...," George and Izzie were done in by her thin cheeks and grey complexion, not to mention Shepherd's meaningful nod. "Okay," George handed over his lunch sack. Izzie surrendered her water.

Meredith unwrapped a turkey sandwich on whole wheat and ate it, efficiently and speedily, in one and a half floors. The Izzie deluxe chocolate cupcake took another floor and a half. She shoved the carrot, celery and bell pepper sticks in a pocket for later. Mer drank the water in one long continuous pull. Everyone stared at her. She couldn't remember the last time she ate food that tasted like food so...

_Let them stare,_

_What do I care?_

_Mine to bear,_

_Do or dare._

_Aagh! Where were these thoughts coming from? Doggerel, now. It had to be the proximity of McDreamy's sexy lips to her exposed neck along with the wafting fragrance of expensive cologne combined with his unforgettable male scent. Yeah, that was it. It was all his fault for wafting... wafting was bad... very bad... keep all waftiness to yourself, I say... I think I'm so tired I'm punch drunk... Yep._

Meredith handed the emptys back to Izzie. Bottom floor.

"Thanks. Gotta go, emergency in the Pit." Meredith ran out the doors as soon as she could slip through. George and Izzie looked at each other stunned.

"I think we just got mugged." Izzie declared.

George nodded, "Yup, it was masterful. Couldn't resist."

"She ate, that was the important thing," Shepherd looked wistfully after Meredith's running figure. She hadn't looked at him once. His jaw ached from gritting his teeth.

_Meredith is not my girlfriend anymore, I have a wife. A wife who wants a genuine second chance. Will she start to matter again to me if I say it fifty more times?_

"Whatever." They shrugged and wandered down the hall.

ooo

"Dr. Grey, you're the surgical consult?" asked a brown clad ER nurse named Tolliver who looked as dragged out as Meredith. Come to think of it, Meredith had seen him on duty almost every time she was in the Pit, night or day. She handed him the rest of her health bar, and he sighed with relief as he jammed it whole into his mouth and chewed... and chewed. He grimaced. Meredith was glad to see it wasn't just her that thought of cardboard while eating one of those things.

"Yes, what do we have?" asked Meredith. She was following the nurse through a forest of tall firefighters still decked in a lot of protective gear. They seemed to be everywhere. An older black man with a captain's insignia and grey sprinkled throughout his hair stopped her with a touch on her arm.

"Dr. Grey, its one of my men again. He's burned pretty badly. We were working a fire in a three story building. He was clearing the bottom level when the second floor caved. He may also have head and neck injuries. Several others have smoke inhalation."

Meredith nodded as she listened to the captain. He'd already been in twice last week with two other injured men, both times in the dead of night when she'd been the intern on call. One had a six inch long splinter piercing his eye socket next to the eye. Meredith removed it with no complications, performing the minor surgery herself after MRI pictures revealed she could. The other was a gunshot wound to a fireman's leg from a drunk taking potshots at a blaze. That was a four hour surgery. Now this. This was similar to another fire fighter's injuries.

She remembered Holden McKee, the man she'd awakened from a sixteen year sleep at Thanksgiving. He'd had the same type of injury. Unfortunately, he'd died on Shepherd's operating table the same day he'd awakened. Captain Brewer had told Meredith he'd known Mr. McKee. They'd been rookies together in the company he now captained. He'd told her several times how grateful the men were that she'd "found" Holden, even though he later tragically died.

She indicated the hall outside trauma two, knowing the captain and his men would wait in the hall, not the waiting room. The ER resident immediately recited injuries, vitals, drugs, etc. to her in rapid fire medico speak. The miracle of three uninterrupted hours of sleep had helped Mer. She got it all in one take.

She quickly examined the burns under the sterile wet dressings on the fire fighter's neck, shoulder, chest and hands. Mercifully his face was spared and he was unconscious. Everything was complicated by head and neck injuries. Meredith thought she felt two injured areas on his skull. One pupil was non responsive. Meredith confirmed the need for plastic surgery and a neuro consult. She ordered Monahan and Shepherd paged.

She charted all appropriate information quickly, while the ER team continued to strip all gear off the man. Meredith palpated the man's bones, and abdominal organs, checking him all over for possible further injury. She consulted with the ER doc over shock protocol that wouldn't compromise anything since the man was likely going in for a craniotomy.

She was sure Shepherd was going to order a CT so she speed dialed CT scheduling to check for availability, then alerted OR scheduling of a probable new entry. She'd discovered the earlier she let people know about these things, the easier it was on everyone, including herself. Another benefit of the long intense hours she'd put in. The staff was beginning to appreciate her methods.

She stepped into the hall to give an update to the captain when EMTs blew through the doors with a new patient in full cardiac arrest. She indicated trauma one and stepped up to take over compressions.

"Fifty seven year old male, collapsed while setting up a Christmas tree," the EMTs rapidly sketched out all vital statistics, drugs and procedures already done, "History of heart attacks and high blood pressure."

Meredith added further IV orders. She stepped back and took the defibrillator paddles.

"Charge to 200. Clear." The man's body convulsed with the shock.

"Nothing, doctor." Chest compressions resumed.

"Charge to 300. Clear." Tensions heightened when nothing happened again.

"Push one of epi, charge to 300 again. Clear." The shock raised the man off the table.

"Nothing, push 2 of epi, charge again. Clear" Meredith held her breath.

"Sinus rhythm, Dr. Grey. We got it." Relief swept the room. Her inner scoreboard lit with happy face points doing the Stallone-Rocky victory dance, arms in the air. The Rocky theme music played triumphantly in her head.

_Not now._

"Next of kin?" Grey asked.

"His wife was going to follow us here. You'll be able to get the complete history from her. Are we cleared?" the EMT asked, picking up equipment, "See ya, doc."

For an instant Meredith's eye was caught by the EMT's delectable tush walking away from her. A leap of hope made her breath catch. Maybe she could get over Shepherd. Maybe other guys would actually start being attractive again in their own right, rather than as fill-ins for the Dreamster. What? It could happen.

Tolliver swooped in starting a new IV and administering the meds Dr. Grey rapped out. She scribbled notes on the man's chart.

"Page the cardiothoracic resident on call. His blood pressure is not stabilizing to my satisfaction. Put him on high flow oxygen. I'm in trauma two if you need me." Grey said.

"Yes, doctor."

She once more started to update Captain Brewer.

"Dr. Grey, we need you now," an older serious faced ER nurse called imperatively.

"Report." Grey rushed into the fireman's trauma bay.

"He's stopped breathing." The nurse rattled off more medico speak to Grey, that sounded like gibberish to Captain Brewer who was standing in the doorway. He watched Dr. Grey's face. She frowned as she ordered different drugs and respiratory assists. Her thin face was focused. He knew she was a rookie, but she was good luck for Engine Company 9. She worked hard and long. She knew her stuff. He believed his men were saved by Dr. Grey three times already. If anyone could help Igawa it was Dr. Grey.

Dr. Shepherd rushed in. "Talk to me." He took in everything in a glance. Dr. Grey filled him in as he examined Igawa. "Why haven't you paged plastics?"

"I have, sir. Dr. Monahan has not responded yet. Nurse, please page Dr. Monahan again," Meredith was frustrated with Monahan since he hadn't bothered answering her pages last night or this morning.

Tolliver poked his head in. "Dr. Grey, Dr. Hart is here for the cardio consult in trauma one."

Shepherd looked up. Meredith waited for orders, completely professional, "Schedule him for a CT, then have respiratory put him on a respirator. Consult plastics, they'll have to work at the same time I have him. Schedule an OR and have my 12:00 surgery rescheduled, this man takes priority," he said, and then paused. He stole a single moment to look at his Meredith heart to heart. His face softened and his world felt balanced again, once a connection with Meredith was reestablished. God, he missed her. "Go."

"Yes, sir." Dr. Grey sped into the next bay. She was back to drowning in McDreamy eyes. He could melt her with a look.

_What's up with that? He made a choice and it wasn't you. He doesn't love you! No one does and no one ever will! When will you listen?_

Meredith focused on work – Mr. Jones needed her. Dr. Hart was a fifth year cardiothoracic resident. She was beautiful in a blond Nordic way. Hart had thought she had a chance with the cute new attending until everyone found out he had both a wife and a girlfriend. Then Yang snagged Burke, the other cute attending. Two first years dating attendings and getting away with it. The first year in front of her even had one of the foremost surgeons in the world as a mother. She probably had it made in med school. Disappointment and jealousy made Hart venomous.

"Dr. Hart," Meredith rattled statistics off for this patient. Hart rapidly returned orders. They stepped into the curtained section between trauma bays. Hart was unaware of the pack of silent firefighters outside two or Tolliver and two techs softly opening the door to one or Shepherd and three nurses in two. It was a rare moment of quiet in the Pit.

"If he needs a bypass today, Burke is available this afternoon. This is going to take some time, and I don't have it. Today I'm leaving early and I'm taking tomorrow off. It is Christmas Eve, after all, some of us aren't alone over the holidays," she sneered pointedly, "Oh that's right, I forgot, you are alone. Crazy locked up mothers don't count," her face hardened, "Take care of scheduling, tests, and pre-op. And don't tell Burke I sent this patient to him. Grey, you need the practice of real work anyway, now that the option of sleeping your way up with Shepherd has closed. Or do you have your eye on someone else now?"

Hart waited for the little nothing to say something back so she could annihilate her. Grey didn't hesitate or blink. The comments were mild compared to some. She'd learned the best thing to do was to put absolutely no energy into it – to not respond in any way. She didn't talk when bad things happened. Everyone in three areas froze. The nurses in trauma two shivered at the look on Shepherd's face. This was one of Shepherd's first exposures to Meredith's fate. He knew people had talked, but it was still going on? And with such spite? Exactly how much of this had Meredith endured? Dr. Hart, huh? She was one of Burke's. They'd have to have a chat, department head to department head.

The nurses and techs and orderlies in the Pit had heard far too much of it and were long over it. Word was Head Nurse Debbie in surgical was also long over it. Grey did her job and didn't slack which couldn't be said for some. So what if the girl dated an attending for a few months when he was separated from his estranged wife. She wasn't dating him now and no one had ever seen her ask for favors from anyone, let alone Shepherd. Wasn't Burke dating her best friend? Wasn't the Chief of Surgery her mother's friend? She could use those connections if she wanted, and she didn't. Plus she took good care of her sick mom. People were starting to get fed up. Leave her alone.

"No, doctor, any further orders for this patient?" With pain and defeat clenching her gut Meredith was already starting out the door when the deflated blond shook her head. Three tiny monkey face happy faces did the classic "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" hand positions on her inner screen.

_Shut up. Who asked you?_

Meredith stepped out and faced stone-faced fire fighters. She cringed inside, embarrassed by what she was sure they now believed of her. She glanced at the trauma doors and realized it was likely both rooms had overheard Hart's remarks. Derek had heard. Her cheeks burned with shame. Emotional and physical exhaustion combined to demoralize her.

The good opinion of these co-workers and firefighters had meant something to her. She couldn't even use her inner scoreboard to cheer herself up. Before the men could say anything she filled them in on their friend's condition and prognosis. She asked for information on her patient's emergency contact and any other relevant information they had on him. She told Captain Brewer she'd check with the ER Doc on how his men with smoke inhalation were progressing. She couldn't meet his eyes.

She used work once again to move past the hurt. Each time she did it, it became more difficult to carry out. It was harder to pretend she was fine. Her load was becoming unbearable. She felt like a little burro forced to carry ten times its weight, struggling steeply uphill on a narrow cliff. A deep chasm stretched out below. Meredith brushed both hands over her face and sternly told herself to get over it. Life was tough all over.

After Shepherd and Hart both left, Meredith got on the phone again and carried out their orders. She left a message for Dr. Burke about the new potential surgery and asked for a consult with him when she had the MRI results. She drew blood from both patients for labs and let Mickey, the tech in testing, know it was coming. Meredith signaled a runner to take the blood to the lab. She had Monahan paged a third time. She ordered sterile dressings renewed and rewet on Igawa. The heart patient's wife, Mrs. Jones, had arrived and after Meredith calmed her down, was filling in his history. Oh yeah, take a breath.

Still no Monahan. She paged the senior attending on duty in plastics. She prepared Mr. Jones, the cardiac patient, for transport. She let the orderlies know they'd be ready to go as soon as she heard from plastics for Igawa.

Dr. Baker from plastics finally arrived, Alex Karev in tow. Alex was often assigned as general factotum intern for plastics since that was his desired field of specialty. He winked at Mer and smoothly moved to stand near her. Baker was irascible at best. Meredith knew from hard experience the only way to handle him was to apologize repeatedly for living, followed by accolades and huzzahs for his giant ego, followed by more apologies for ever being born.

"_Mea culpa, mea culpa, _I am but a lowly scum-sucking intern, your most high lordship, _mea culpa_," she said under her breath. She regretted it immediately when Tolliver and Alex chuckled. She thought she'd made the snarky comment in her head as usual. A tiny alarmed happy face with round O eyes and mouth held a hand up in a stop signal on her internal scoreboard.

_Watch it, Mer._

"Why was I paged," Baker demanded, "Monahan is on call, not me. It's Christmas Eve and I'm not staying late because a lazy first year intern can't do her job. Aren't you the one who had me paged for surgical this morning too?" Everyone stared at Meredith, eyebrows raised. Lazy?

"Dr. Baker, Monahan has not answered his page now or earlier. I think someone should start checking on him, sir. Something may be wrong. Perhaps someone in your department...?" Meredith raised her eyebrows at him. He ignored her.

"I'm sorry for the inconvenience. This patient is critical and you are the best , sir," Meredith flattered him shamelessly, Tolliver smiled behind Baker's back, "He's going in for a craniotomy as soon as we get test results and your consult. Dr. Shepherd asked me to have the best plastic surgeon join his team in the OR as Firefighter Igawa has extensive burns. He is barely stable, sir. If you could please examine him. This way, sir." Meredith continued to cajole, inform, apologize and flatter the old surgeon until she and Igawa had everything they needed. At least Dr. Karev was now assigned her firefighter, halving her work.

She signaled two orderlies and Alex. They moved both patients into the elevator. She leaned against the back wall, braced her hands on the waist high rail, and closed her eyes. Her nerve endings burned with fatigue.

_I'm sinking low now, lower and lower. I'm drowning. _

She updated Alex, without opening her eyes, on all the arrangements and work she'd already completed for Igawa.

_Is this what burning the candle at both ends actually feels like physically? Mm._

"Thanks Mer, I didn't mean to steal your surgery, you know. You're a friend. Shepherd is bound to still let you in on the neurosurgery portion," Alex tried the earnest approach. He really liked Meredith and didn't want her to think he'd deliberately hijacked her case.

She opened her eyes and admired his slick delivery and earnest little boy expression. He could sell her just about anything right now, her resistance was so low. She looked at his handsome face and smiled – really smiled in true amusement, no bitterness. Then tears came to her eyes. Alex watched the myriad of thoughts and emotions cross her tired little face and felt bad. He knew she'd had it rough, all of Bailey's interns knew. She kept on slugging though, even when she was against the ropes. He wished he could help her out. Ring a bell maybe, call time out. They followed the orderlies pushing their patients' gurneys down the hall.

Alex ran a light hand over Meredith's dark honey hair, "Listen, you need anything, just ask. Okay?" Alex shifted uncomfortably when Mer smiled through tears at him again. Meredith let herself soak in the rare offer of friendship and support.

"Thanks Alex, I'm good, but I'm going to take a raincheck on that, okay?" Meredith waved to him as she directed her patient to MRI, and Alex split off to get to CT. Meredith felt marginally lighter. A little boy happy face pushed a little girl happy face on a swing set in the playground of her mind.

**Please write me. Thank you. sammie.**


	3. Breakdown

**The 'bads' keep multiplying and the 'goods' keep draining away like water through sand. Meredith barely makes it through her day and then has to face Ellis at the nursing home. Not so merry Christmas for her.**

**This was a two hankie chapter for me to write. I don't know about this foray into angst. There's so much ouch in angst. It is 1:39 am where I live. I couldn't stop writing until it was finished so here it is.**

**Thank you, everyone, for reading and reviewing this story.**

The Intern

Chapter 3: Breakdown

The main nurses' station was alive with activity. Dr. Yang was researching a case on the Internet. Dr. Grey checked in with Dr. Bailey showing her charts and test results. Nurses, techs and aides buzzed in and out like worker bees around a hive. Several interns and residents slouched against any available surface filling in reports and charts. The She-Shepherd had just finished a surgery and was discussing the procedure with one of her residents. Occasionally she glanced at Grey, who ignored her as she had from the first.

Dr. Grey carefully filled in Dr. Bailey on the two new admissions from the Pit. She explained Karev's involvement and reported Monahan's non responsiveness. She said nothing of Hart. Meredith quietly asked permission to be released from the trauma pager so that she could follow her patients into surgery.

Jones was in pre-op. Igawa's preliminary procedures were being performed in the OR now by Shepherd's and Baker's residents. The attendings would take over when prelims were done.

She'd also consulted with Dr. Burke on the test results for Mr. Jones and scheduled an OR. Dr. Burke felt Jones should have surgery today. The scheduling was such that Meredith should be able to attend both.

"Okay, Grey, you've earned it. Good work." Dr. Bailey commented. She turned to walk away when Dr. Hart stormed up.

"Grey, you dirty suck-up! You did that deliberately! Burke canceled my Christmas leave and has assigned me Mr. Jones. You're nothing! You're nothing but a whiner!" Nurses stopped in their tracks. Yang stood up.

"You shouldn't even be here! Everyone knows the Chief only let you in this program because of your mother. You went whining to your little boyfriends, Shepherd and Burke. What, are you screwing them both now!?" Hart was so incensed she threw caution to the winds. The She pulled her reading glasses off her nose and studied Hart, her face a cold mask.

Meredith froze into shocked, silent numbness. Her face and mind smoothed into utter blankness and something inside her cracked. The little burro teetered on the edge of the abyss. Searing embarrassment and pain waited to take its turn with her. She reached up and pulled the tie out of her messy hair. It fell, half covering her face. Her hands trembled with strain.

"Hey!" Dr. Bailey placed her short self between Grey and Hart, "Stop now. I don't know what your problem is, Hart, and the way you're going about it, I don't want to know. Back off. If you have a problem with scheduling or Burke take it up with him. Ah, here he is now," Bailey said with satisfaction, "Dr. Burke, apparently your resident has an issue to discuss with you."

"Oh?" Burke and Shepherd walked into the fraught atmosphere around the main station, "Hart, I thought we already discussed this. Do you have anything else to say to me?"

"No sir," she said resentfully, glaring at Grey over the diminutive Nazi.

A querulous voice interrupted, "Grey! Where is that incompetent first year!?" Meredith stared at the old surgeon charging her in disbelief. "There you are. What do you mean by calling security on my department?" Dr. Baker was outraged, "Security is talking about calling the police!"

Everyone looked from old Baker's red face to Grey's. Some looked surprised, some amused, most confused. Talk started everywhere.

"Dr. Monahan..." Meredith unfroze enough to try for Monahan's sake.

"Scandalous! All on the say so of a know-nothing intern!" Dr. Baker spluttered. "I don't have time for this! I'm supposed to be preparing for surgery."

Meredith's throat shut down. That was it, no more. Black spots danced in front of her eyes. Maybe a nice black chasm was a good place to hide.

_They don't look like smiley face spots,_ she thought dully. She looked at the floor and stood immobile and silent, the sinecure of all eyes. She was almost too tired to care, almost.

"What is going on here?" said the Chief from the balcony. His tone said he'd heard it all. Meredith died inside. "Dr. Baker, Dr. Bailey, Dr. Grey please come to my office. Preston, please bring Hart to my office as well. Shep, are you available to join us?"

"Yes, sir, but I'm due in the OR in about ten to fifteen minutes," Shepherd frowned as he looked between Bailey, Addison and Meredith. Meredith. She looked deathly pale and sick. What damage had Hart caused and what was Baker's problem? He passed Addison on his way to the stairs. She stopped him with a well-manicured hand on his arm.

"Derek, I need something before you go," she said with a fashion queen look on her face.

"Chief, I'll join you in a minute," Shepherd said impatiently, "What, Addison?"

"Just this," the She-Shepherd wrapped a hand around the back of his head. Very deliberately, she kissed him. He forced himself not to pull away, repulsed by the reptilian look in her eyes. It was the same look she had when he first saw her, here in Seattle, in the lobby of Grace.

Something was going on here, but what? She deepened the kiss into a possessive claim and then he knew. She was marking her territory in front of the staff and especially Meredith. What had Hart said to set all this off? She finally released him. He gave her an inscrutable look, and then bounded up the stairs to the Chief's office. He brushed his mouth on the sleeve of his white coat.

Meredith numbly caught the look of glittering triumph in adder-son's eyes as she plodded past her to the Chief's office. Her stupid game of twisting the She-Shepherd's name didn't help much, but Meredith valiantly tried it anyway. The terrible combination of extreme fatigue, pain, shock, hopelessness, humiliation and grief-stricken loss made her heart bleed red tears. She tried to find some part of herself that didn't hurt and couldn't.

All she'd done, all day, was her job. That was her final survival strategy, after booze and boys and being angry and trying not to care had failed. There was nothing left to try. It wasn't helping her any more. Things were getting worse. How much worse can it get? No, don't ask that, dummy. Everyone knows that's the kiss of death.

_Why can't I get it right? _

Watching another woman (okay, his wife) kiss the man she loved, after everything else, nearly broke her in two. Message received and mission accomplished, O Married One. Miserable faces dotted her scoreboard, popping out like mushrooms. Mozart's "Requiem" dirge dragged through her head. Her little game played on without her.

_Please. _Again the anonymous pleading. She fought tears to a standstill. _Please._

She entered the Chief's office after Bailey and Baker, Shepherd and Burke. Hart was asked to wait outside. Baker had ranted to the Chief all the way to his office. Finally, the Chief asked Grey to explain her actions.

Meredith heaved a painful breath and fought to speak softly past all the breakage in her being, "Dr. Monahan has been missing since at least one o'clock this morning. He doesn't respond to pages. He is not in his office or any lounge. I asked plastics to search, but no one takes his disappearance seriously." Baker snorted rudely.

"Dr. Grey, there could be any number of reasons he's not answering a page. He could have had a family emergency," Dr. Bailey offered.

"No." Meredith wanted them to get it, "He is not at home and his family hasn't seen him. I checked."

Bailey frowned at Grey when she said, "His car is here. I checked all on-call rooms. He's not sleeping." Grey drew a deep breath and continued, "I notified at least six superiors of his non responsiveness (that includes a memo to you, Chief)."

Meredith looked pleadingly for just an instant at Derek, "He could be hurt. It has now been eleven or twelve hours since anyone has seen him. He has three little girls, his wife said."

Meredith's chin firmed with determination, "I decided the best thing to do was to call security." She stopped and stared at the Chief's desk. Her five superiors were quiet for a moment, then all burst into speech. She decided she couldn't hear them. Without permission she chose a chair and sat down. She didn't think her trembling legs would hold her up much longer.

"Chief Webber, if you don't mind I have work to do before I can attend surgery. I've done the best I could for Dr. Monahan. I make no apologies." Meredith stayed very still. She avoided looking at the man her heart wept over; she avoided looking at everyone.

"Grey, what about the unseemly disturbance with Hart?" the Chief wanted to know.

"Sir, I have no idea what Dr. Hart was talking about. Her accusations are groundless. She apparently has a problem with me – I have no problem with her," Meredith waited, "May I go?"

Bailey and the Chief exchanged concerned looks over her head. At his nod Meredith plodded to her locker. No left, no right, no up, only down. Just keep looking down. She slumped on to the bench in front of her locker.

"Meredith, what was that with Baker?" Cristina rushed in and demanded. "What did you do?"

"Nothing, Cristina," Meredith couldn't take her friend's accusing look. She forced herself to stand and open her locker. She exchanged batteries in all her equipment, put a new pen her pocket, looked fruitlessly for more food and grabbed her last bottle of water. She forced herself to chew the purloined vegetable sticks from this morning. She was going to be in surgery for hours. She'd just wanted a few minutes alone.

"Did you see Hart's face?" Cristina laughed, "Burke doesn't like being crossed and when Shepherd told him what Hart did in the Pit..." she shook her head at Hart's stupidity. The light dawned for Meredith. Oh.

Meredith was aware that this last go-round had broken her. Her insides were grinding like broken glass. Brick-red pain bubbled acidly through her heart and soul. She fought not to show it. It didn't matter. Her focus was narrowed down to attending two surgeries, that's all. All her previous work was so she could get to the surgeries. She would attend the surgeries. She wouldn't fail. She could make it.

She plodded to the OR and scrubbed in. She would not be allowed to hold any instruments or stand too close but she was on the floor and she could see Igawa's surgery firsthand. She stood on a stool in the back of the extra large crowd, heavy with both neuro and plastics residents.

The preliminary surgical steps were nearly complete. The two attendings were scrubbing in. Meredith noticed that Dr. Baker's face had lost all annoyance as he focused on his job, talking to his intern, Alex Karev. Shepherd scanned the sea of masked faces and spotted her in the back. He raised an eyebrow.

_Meredith, are you alright? _

_I'm fine. _She nodded and looked away.

What else was she supposed to say? _No, I'm not alright. I don't think I'll ever be fine again. How am I supposed to endure watching you and your wife for the rest of my residency here? I haven't even made it through two full months. Seattle Grace has become a landscape from Hell... I think sometimes I've died and gone to Hell. Isn't this what it feels like?_

ooo

Three hours later Meredith left Igawa's surgery to finish prepping Mr. Jones. The surgery had not helped her inner state. She breathed shallowly as she realized none of her usual panaceas were helping. She waved at Alex. He nodded back to her. She could tell he smiled under his mask. He would do post-op for Igawa. Meredith knew Alex too was having personal problems. Izzie had caught him cheating. But... Alex was there for her, Meredith. Under it all, she thought, he's a good guy. He just doesn't realize it yet about himself.

She ended up spending more time reassuring Mr. Jones' family than prepping the patient. She accompanied Mr. Jones to the OR and left him with the nurses so she could scrub in. Once more, since Hart was operating, she brought a stool and stood in the back of the room. Whatever else one could say of Hart, she was a good surgeon. Meredith wanted to see her work. Hart's new strategy, apparently, was to pretend Grey didn't exist.

_Fine by me,_ thought Grey. Consequently, she listened to lovely Mozart piano concertos in her head for the next four hours, swaying with exhaustion, watching brilliant surgery, knowing Hart would ask her nothing. The concertos picked her up enough to get her through it. Hart assigned another intern to the Jones' post-op, snubbing Grey.

Meredith smiled a very small smile to herself over that, because it meant she was actually off duty a tiny bit early. One hundred seventy six hours in nine days. She stripped off her surgical gear and slowly trudged to the intern locker rooms, spent. She paused just inside the door, overwhelmed by the loud interns joking, talking, and slamming locker doors. Ow. That hurts.

Quiet swept the room as she walked through it and Meredith smiled with no trace of humor. So the gossips were at it again. That's right, Hell was populated with gossips. The smiley faces on her inner scoreboard... no... no more points. Meredith's mouth turned down. Stupid game.

_I can't do it any more. Pretend it's going to be okay. I'm done... I give up... you win... uncle... whatever. What would Alex say? Oh yeah, I'm down for the count. My shoulders are on the mat and a crushing weight won't let me up – I guess I'm not a survivor, after all._ She looked at the floor, gut grinding.

_I'll shower when I get home. I don't have to do it here. I'm outta here. I'm outta here in more ways than one. I know what to do now. I just have to get through Christmas with Mom and then I know what to do._

"Hey, Mer, heading home? Can I catch a ride with you?" George asked, "Izzie's going to be a while and I want to get going."

"No George," Meredith answered, head down, face hidden, secretly glad she had an excuse, "I'm going to go check on my mom. It's Christmas Eve and I promised her I'd be there. Some of the other families are also going tonight."

Alex Karev breezed in grinning, "Grey, you really set old Baker's tail on fire. Way to go."

"Yeah, Mer," Cristina followed Karev and slammed her locker open. Mer's burned out nervous system jangled at the sharp sound. Trash spilled out of Cristina's locker. She ignored it.

George looked confused, then shrugged and headed for the showers. Meredith tiredly stripped out of her scrubs. She sat on the bench in bra and panties.

"I don't want to talk about it, Alex," Meredith said as firmly as she could, "how's our firefighter?"

"Doing pretty well, considering. The Captain was asking where you were. He got upset that you were taken off the case. I told him we were sharing the case, you neuro, me plastics, and he seemed okay with that. Those guys seem to really like you, Mer," Alex looked at her curiously with a question in his voice.

"They're great guys," Meredith didn't want to think about what they all thought of her now. She pulled on a pair of jeans with a ragged hole in the knee. They were her comfort jeans. What forethought she'd had to wear them to work five days ago... she needed comfort now.

"Mer, what's wrong with you?" Cristina asked sharply. Mer didn't want to share anything.

She grimaced, "I'm tired, hungry, smashed flat, and I have to go do Christmas with my mother. You want me to look some other way?" Meredith tried to put a sarcastic spin on it but it just came out sad. It was okay though, Cristina would accept sadness, that was Meredith's normal state. Cristina shrugged and headed for the showers. Meredith waited until she was out of earshot and then asked, "Alex, you said all I had to do was ask, right?"

Alex sat bare-chested on the bench. He turned and looked at her at that, "What can I do for you, Genie Eyes?"

"Alex, I need to switch shifts. I know you picked up the scut night shift for the whole week. I'd like to trade you for it. Christmas through New Year's, okay? Can you take days? It's longer hours but you'll get the surgeries instead of scut and I'll take Christmas and New Year's Eve nights." Meredith tried not to show how much it meant to her, "You'll have Christmas completely off."

"Whoa, whoa, big eyes, you don't have to keep selling. I'll do it, if the Nazi approves," he said.

"Alex, would you go with me to ask her? I just can't face it by myself." Meredith turned her back to him, unclipped her bra, dropped the darn thing in her bag, and flipped an ancient dark blue Dartmouth sweatshirt over her head. It was three sizes too big for her. She liked that. It helped her hide. Oh yeah, she'd had to wear this because she hadn't had time to pick up the dry cleaning or do the laundry in forever. That was about to change.

"Sure," Alex pulled his own black sweatshirt over his head after admiring the sweet back view she provided, "Come on."

ooo

Karev and Grey found their resident in the Pit, dressed in street clothes. Nurses and doctors, orderlies and techs were all a twitter. For once it wasn't about Grey.

"What's going on?" asked Alex.

"Grey, you were right, Monahan was hurt. Security just found him. They're bringing him in now." Dr. Bailey looked grim.

"What happened? Where was he?" Meredith asked. She felt something that had been wound tight in her relax. It was as if some part of her had been hyper-vigilant, looking for Dr. Monahan, all day. She could actually breathe easier.

"Apparently, he had a heart attack on the stairs in the old section. He fell down the stairs and broke his leg in three places. That section had been closed off for renovation and repair, but he was using it as a short cut at night, when he was on call. It's a miracle he's still alive," Alex and Meredith exchanged looks. It always amazed them how Bailey knew everything, "If you hadn't called security when you did, Grey, who knows what would have happened." She contemplated that for a moment.

Bailey turned then and glared at them, "What do you two want? Shift changes, right? What now?"

Gulping at her perspicacity, they requested the changes. Bailey looked shrewdly at Grey, "Humph," she snorted, "All right. But, I expect you on rounds at the end of your shift, even if you're not on days. Now go home, and have some Christmas." She waved them off and headed out the door herself.

ooo

Meredith and her mom stood with several other families, including her friends, Mr. and Mrs. Sandage, in the largest family room, of Roseridge Home for Extended Care. There was a small Christmas tree and lights all around the room. Crayon pictures of Christmas made by the residents decorated one wall. Someone played Christmas carols very badly on the piano in the corner. Dr. Grey nodded to Mr. Sandage and sighed.

Meredith's body was incredibly fatigued, but at the same time wired. She'd had a cup of straight black coffee before she tried to drive. She just wanted to get the Christmas thing over with and go home to bed.

"Come on over by the piano, and join us." Mr. Sandage urged. Meredith didn't have the heart to refuse or the strength to resist, "Have some hot cider and cookies."

Meredith let the old man guide her into the warm group brought together by horrible adversity. Mr. Sandage even persuaded Ellis to take a seat near the piano. She always did respond better to the masculine touch.

The man playing the piano hit the wrong note for the tenth time and Meredith winced, her fried nervous system unable to handle any further discordance.

"B flat," she said. All eyes turned to her.

"You play?" The man at the piano grinned and stood, "Great! You can take over, I've never pretended to be anything but terrible."

Before she could even think of a refusal she was seated at the piano.

She started to deny them, deny herself once again, as she had for five years, and then she thought, why not? Maybe, now that she was outta there, she could have something else again. Even if it was a Christmas song. Her mother had taken music away from her five years ago, but now her mother was oblivious, she would never know if her daughter played again.

The music called to her. Her fingers rippled over the keys with a lover's familiarity. Music poured from the piano and her soul as Meredith played for the first time in five years. Making music eased the terrible strain and pain of her hellish life. It gave her a voice. It rested and rejuvenated her as nothing else could. Playing since she was two years old, music was the love of her life, before Derek or surgery. Now, without them, music insisted on returning to her.

_Oh, how I've missed you, my love,_ said the piano in her head.

She played simple Christmas tunes at first, then without conscious thought she added depth and character, with complex chording. She couldn't help moving deeper and deeper into the warm embrace of her old love. The pieces she played became more and more advanced, their complexity and difficulty apparent. People in the room were enchanted. Even the most disturbed residents settled to listen to the unexpected concert.

Mr. Sandage studied the sad, overworked, beaten down young woman at the piano. He knew for a fact that she had just completed two and a half days straight on duty. She was trying so hard. He wasn't surprised to discover that she had such a wonderful, developed, hidden talent. He thought she was one of the most beautiful, kind people hidden under layers of sadness, disappointment and pain that he'd ever met.

He knew what other people said. He'd heard the nasty gossip (people talked in front of the janitor as if he weren't there) and he knew with the wisdom of over seventy years that she was still in love with Shepherd. He'd seen the looks the two shared. But he also knew who Dr. Grey really was inside. He knew her by her actions and words, by how she treated her mother and her patients, her patients' families, her coworkers and underlings. He knew her by her wry, offbeat sense of humor. Even her darkness was directed at no one but herself. That said something to the old man.

Meredith was lost in a beautiful Chopin nocturne when her mother jumped to her feet, "No, no, NO! We will not have this argument again Meredith. You are going to med school and that's final. I don't care if you were accepted to Juilliard. Your father's soft-headed corruption will not ruin your life!"

Meredith remembered where she was. She dropped her hands and said soothingly, "I did go to med school, Mom. Dartmouth. I'm a surgical intern now." Ellis' mind was in the time period of the last huge argument they had.

Meredith had ignored her mother's wishes and had gone to Europe for two months to take master classes in piano with several European maestros. It was only when she returned and found out her mother's diagnosis that she, at her mother's insistence, gave up her dream of music, and went to medical school as had her mother, grandfather, and great grandfather before her.

The other families looked at Meredith with compassion. All of them had been through scenes like this. They drifted away to afford her privacy.

"Mom, Mom everything's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. It's Christmas, I brought you a gift, see?" Meredith handed her mother a small box wrapped in a festive Christmas ribbon, "Merry Christmas."

There was no recognition in Ellis' eyes at all. She tore the ribbon off and opened the box. An exquisite classic pair of eighteen karat gold earrings lay displayed on a bed of white satin. She stared at them. A hopeful wisp crossed Meredith's face.

Her mother looked her in the eye and spat, "I can't wear these in surgery! What were you thinking? Take these away." She threw the box as hard as she could at Meredith. It hit her daughter squarely in the chest over her heart. Ellis gazed into nothing, gone, her expression hateful.

Meredith painfully rose to pick up the discarded gift when an old hand did it for her. "They're very pretty, Dr. Grey," Mr. Sandage said sympathetically, his brown eyes understanding, "Maybe she'll like them later. You know how they are."

"Yes, I know how they are," Meredith fought back tears for the forty eleventh time that day. Ow.

_Be a grownup, Grey._

Tears that hadn't fallen at her mother's rejection started to fall now at Mr. Sandage's support. Tears fell faster and faster, harder and harder until she knew she was out of control. She covered her mouth trying to hide her pain and frantically looked for an escape. Mr. Sandage gently guided her in to the ladies' lounge off the family room. He shut the door and lowered the doorstop so no one could intrude. She sat on a lounge and covered her face with both hands. Mr. Sandage sat next to her and laid a comforting hand on her knee. He said nothing and he made no movement. Somehow that made him safe – like a rock.

Meredith wept. Terrible broken images of the day passed through her dull mind. The day's hateful, hurtful words danced spitefully around her ears. She was nothing, a know-nothing nothing. After all she'd been through to be something, to be called a nothing was probably the worst thing anyone could ever say to her.

Derek's eyes looking so longingly into hers, when she knew he cared more for duty than love, pierced her soul. Ellis' blank cruelty cut Meredith's heart out. Loneliness crushed her spirit. Music beckoned like a rejected suitor. Her own point of surrender felled her anew. She wept harder.

Mr. Sandage listened to the pain of the ages racking this frail looking person and knew she was stronger than anyone he'd ever known. How had she survived this long? She was a sensitive lamb born into a world of mauling tigers. His own eyes teared as he realized she didn't know how to create her own life with no suffering. She had no template. Yet, Dr. Grey had chosen to become a healer, alleviating other's suffering and saving lives. How very generous to give to others what you have no hope of giving to yourself. He patiently waited for her. Even that was a precious, rare gift in her life.

Meredith finally had no more tears to shed and no more energy to spend. She needed to sleep. Now.

"Thank you, Mr. Sandage. I'm alright." she assured the kind old man who'd got stuck with crybaby her on Christmas Eve.

"Dr. Grey, let me help you to your car," he offered.

Meredith said goodbye to her blank mom and drove away. Five minutes later she pulled into a motel off the highway. She couldn't go one more mile. No one had given her a Christmas gift in over twelve years. She decided to give herself the gift of solitude and quiet in a dark, safe place. She slept.

**Ooh Lord, that was long and hard and angsty for me. Next chapter, Meredith triumphs.**

**Please write me. I love the reviews. Thank you, sam**


	4. Dr Harrington Grey

**This was going to be the final chapter, but at over twenty two pages I decided to put the first half as CH 4 and the second as CH 5. I am almost done with what will now be CH 5. I worked a lot this week and was unable to get this out as soon as I wanted. This starts where Mer was on Christmas Eve and ends in the middle of her making a whole new world. I really meant it to be 4 chaps. I hope you don't mind 5. **

**Oh, and thank you for all the wonderful reviews. I enjoy every one. sam**

The Intern

Chapter 4: Dr. Harrington Grey

Dr. Meredith Grey was a survivor. Her survivor core knew its job; do what you have to do to get from one day to the next no matter what, period. Endure. Grind through. Tough it out. Never ask for help. Never ask for anything. Don't show weakness, they'll go for the throat. Develop a weird sense of humor so that you can laugh when things go bad. Apologize for living. Don't make waves. Be silent. Get straight A's. Cover up your enormous personal inadequacies by excelling at something impossible – like concert level piano or yeah, surgery – you're good with your hands.

Give up your dreams in favor of another's, because yours don't matter and you probably couldn't have them anyway. Don't trust anyone, Meredith, they'll hurt you. Don't believe too much in the future – if you do, you're screwed – get it. Use sex or alcohol or work to numb yourself when the pain becomes overwhelming. Accept that shit happens – all the time. You're a whiner if you mention to anyone that you're broken and bleeding. Shut up and bind and staunch your own wounds 'cause no one wants to hear it.

Most importantly of all, remember that no one unconditionally loves you. No one ever will. It's a myth. Or if it is real, it's real only for the lucky few and never for you. The closest you'll ever get to a true union with a man, Meredith, is to have great sex with him. That's all. You're alone. Who do you think you are? Cinder-fucking-ella?

Survivors aren't born, they're made, and they're dark and twisted. Meredith Grey's survivor self was carefully crafted. Years of vicious criticism, thinly disguised as "constructive", had hammered out her survivor. Her father's cowardly abandonment started the steel making process, but her mother's work-induced neglect finished it. She was thrust into the tempering fires of bereavement over and over, from the time she was a baby.

Meredith thought she'd met her soul mate. She stuffed her survivor in the basement and locked the door. She let herself fall in love, and believed that he could love her back. One day later his wife explosively blew the lock off the basement door. He chose to give his marriage a second try. It didn't matter how noble his reasons were or that he had a prior commitment. To Meredith's survivor self it was abandonment, again. Proof that it had been right all along. Meredith's survivor was called to duty.

It nearly worked her to death, before she gave in. As a child Meredith had to develop strategies to survive. Over time they lost effectiveness and their cost of use became prohibitive. What works for a child in a dysfunctional home just doesn't work for an adult becoming a surgeon.

Dr. Meredith Grey couldn't do it any more. Surviving hurt too much. It was time to make a change because she couldn't go on. The sex-tequila-work triumvirate of survival was useless. She was through being on survivor automatic pilot. She laughed grimly, of course she could turn to overeating-drugs-television, she'd never tried that.

She'd broken like glass. But, really what broke was the way. Now she felt angry. Why was she continually forced to apologize and pay for crimes she'd never committed? Enough already.

_You know,_ Meredith thought, _I am not a child. I have skills and assets, a lot of assets. Yeah, I'm alone. So? I've always been alone. _

Meredith relaxed in a hot bath Christmas evening. She had to be at work at nine, for a ten hour shift. She was still hurt, sad and in love. She was still tired. The difference was she wasn't going to stay in the toilet anymore, circling round and round and going down. Her surrender yesterday had actually freed her. Her tears had cleansed away some of the bitterness. No more little burro.

She'd slept for more than sixteen hours and she'd eaten an early dinner with her mom at Roseridge, before coming home for the first time in six days. Both Izzie and George were spending Christmas with their families, so the house was quiet, redolent of all the holiday baking Izzie had done over the last three days.

Mer had found a huge chocolate fudge cake, four dozen Christmas cookies, and an enormous apple strudel all neatly labeled "Eat me, Mer". She'd immediately sliced a section of strudel and had eaten it on her way up the stairs. Her inner scoreboard had lit up with three new points, shaped like a cake, a cookie and an apple. They'd waved and the cartoon balloon over their heads had said, "SCORE!" in caps lock. Mer had smiled at the whimsy, glad her inner game had returned to keep her company. Her sense of humor was returning now that she'd slept.

_God bless Izzie._

Meredith played Mis-teeq and then Alicia Keys loudly on her CD player, for once not concerned with disturbing her roommates. Music was coming back to her in all forms, she told herself firmly. It was part of the changes she was making in her life.

Mer shaved her legs and contemplated the steps she'd need to take. Everything was going to be okay. She'd made massive changes before, she thought. The important thing was to go ahead and do it. No one was going to do it for her.

The first step was to face the truth. First, Derek wasn't going to miraculously leave his wife and pick her tomorrow no matter how much she wished it.

_But that doesn't mean I'll be alone the rest of my life either. _ She told herself fiercely. _Wounds heal eventually. If I don't have to see him every day, they'll heal faster._

Second, Mom wasn't going to get better – ever. The punch to the heart from yesterday underscored that.

_All I've ever done is tried to please her. I can't do it. (How is that exactly like my life at the hospital?) So I'm going to stop trying._

It suddenly came home to Meredith that she was not her mother's dependent. Her mother was Meredith's dependent. She didn't have to stay here with her mother. Her mother could be transported to where Meredith was. It would be difficult, but they could do it.

Next, there was no place at Grace for her anymore. She'd thought she'd earned some respect at Grace, made a family, but now she knew that was a joke. No one had even bothered to listen to her when a man was missing. She'd been browbeaten and verbally abused. She didn't have to tolerate that from anyone at anytime, even if she was just a first year intern.

Additionally, the gossip wasn't going away and she just couldn't ignore it any longer. The poison of it spread daily, even to bystanders like Captain Brewer and his men, and she couldn't and wouldn't suffer it anymore. She knew now that it was never going to improve at Grace, so she'd find a new place. She was done being a victim.

The scent of a flower garden filled her bathroom as she washed her hair. Her conditioner added to the fragrance. Mer rinsed off and stepped out of the tub. She used two huge, fluffy towels – definitely not like the towels at work – and powdered her fragrance all over. Meredith dressed in some of the clean clothes she'd washed that day. More blessings of having the roommates on holiday was no sharing the appliances and plenty of hot water. She blow dried her hair into soft waves and parted it on the side. In light of her new path, she went ahead and made up her eyes and applied a light cheek and lip blush.

Meredith packed her small duffel with uniforms, underwear, t-shirts, socks, toiletries, electronics, food and water. She thought of the night crew at Grace and decided to bring the cake. It was Christmas after all.

ooo

At midnight the Chief heard the laughter coming from the cafeteria all the way up the stairs. What the... ? He curiously went to see what was up. He almost bumped into Dr. Bailey just inside the archway. She stood still with her eyebrows raised taking in the unusual sight in front of her.

A sea of grey, pink, pale green, brown and white uniforms surrounded a single surgical intern blue uniform. Maintenance men, peds interns, surgical nurses, ER nurses and techs, lab techs and coffee cart and gift shop personnel sat surrounding Dr. Grey on tables and chairs eating slabs of Izzie's chocolate cake and drinking coffee gifted by Bernice from the lobby coffee cart.

Mickey, the night supervisor of the lab, was standing next to Meredith with his arm around a pretty, pregnant peds intern. Mickey's wife, Michelle Wang, was the pediatrics intern that Meredith had met on one of her first days at Grace. They'd shared a tiny patient with a heart defect. Michelle had been defensive of her territory with Meredith at first, but after they'd found out that Meredith's diagnosis was correct, Michelle had thawed and they'd become friendly. They didn't get to see each other often, but they respected and liked each other. Michelle and Mickey's baby was due in a few months.

Nurses Tolliver and Tyler, Mr. Sandage, coffee lady Bernice, and Tommy from the lab, all gathered closest around Meredith. They were trying to outdo each other by telling outrageous jokes. The bet was on. Who was going to make Meredith laugh? So far the most she'd cracked was a smile. Mr. Sandage got to his punch line with a wicked twinkle in his eye and Meredith burst out laughing. A ghost of a small smile crossed Head Nurse Debbie's face at the sound. Cat calls and hooting filled the air. Money exchanged hands.

"Chief, Dr. Bailey!" Tyler said jumping to his feet.

Meredith looked up. She knew that Dr. Bailey was the resident on call but had no idea why the Chief was here Christmas night. Their hands were quickly filled with cake. They eyed the unusual sight of their smiling intern and both realized how long it was since they'd seen her happy. Everyone who was finished started drifting away calling Merry Christmas, and thanks, and congratulations for her part in finding Dr. Monahan to Meredith.

ooo

By the time Meredith took the break in the cafeteria, she'd already rounded surgical twice and completed three post operative reports for Dr. Bailey. There was four interns on duty. Two on-call only. She'd visited with patients and their families, updated charts, run labs, given medications and checked IV's.

Mr. Jones was battling a post-op fever. Not good. His family greeted Meredith like an old friend, and she quickly arranged for increased checks on him through the night.

Dr. Monahan was doing as well as could be expected after surgery on his leg and a heart attack. Meredith carefully examined him. She rearranged his cushioned support and increased his oxygen flow to make him more comfortable and bring up his SATs.

Firefighter Igawa was feverish and in pain. Dr. Grey didn't like the look of his kidney output. She did what she could for him and told the nurse to check him every fifteen minutes and page her if needed. Two firemen sat in the waiting room. Igawa had no family in Seattle so his friends took turns staying with him. Meredith checked in with them as well.

After her break, Igawa was the first patient she checked. His kidneys were definitely in trouble. She paged Dr. Bailey. They ended up fighting through the night to save Igawa's kidney function, successfully, while his friends paced the waiting room.

The next morning Meredith joined Cristina and Alex, George and Izzie in the intern locker room. Their rounds were actually going to be half an hour delayed because Dr. Bailey was called to an emergency in pre-op. The locker room gradually cleared of everyone else.

"Hey Mer, where have you been? I thought you were on days this week. Why'd you switch with Alex?" Cristina demanded. Alex looked up. He'd wondered too.

"Well actually...," Meredith hesitated, trying to find the right words, "I wanted to talk to you all. You see... Christmas Eve was... a really bad day...,"

"When do you not have a bad day?" Cristina said sarcastically. George snickered and Izzie laughed. Alex just looked at Mer, remembering how painful it was to watch her take a pounding on the ropes that day.

Meredith took a breath and squared her shoulders. "Okay, never mind how I felt. What I wanted to say was, if you have money in the second year residents' pool I can give you some insider information." Alex froze.

Izzie said innocently, "What pool, Meredith?"

"The one guessing the date of my resignation from this program," Meredith said calmly.

"What? Meredith what are you talking about?" George looked both confused and alarmed.

"Meredith, stop! You can't quit. Just because some guy dumps you, you get all melodramatic. What are you going to do without surgery? No reputable program in the country will take you if you quit this one," Cristina said forcefully, positive she was right.

"Is that all you think I've been going through? Some guy? Really, Cristina?! Miss Dates an Attending and Doesn't Have to Pay For One Minute of it Because I Paid For Us Both! There's no place for me here anymore, Cristina. Let's see. It's five a.m. here. That makes it eight a.m. on the east coast. Perfect," Meredith flipped open her cell phone and scrolled to a number. She pushed a button, "Hello, Chief of Surgery, Dr. Daniel Teague, please, tell him Dr. Grey is calling... Hi, no, Uncle Dan, it's not Ellis, it's Meredith. Yes, I graduated. Dartmouth. How are you? How's Cornell?" Meredith continued making pleasantries while her friends stared at her in shock. By the time she hung up she'd arranged for an application to be faxed to her. Her "Uncle Dan" virtually guaranteed her a spot. Yes, she could replace a mid-year drop out from his program. He even admonished her for not calling him earlier.

George stuttered, "Meredith, you can't! What are you doing?"

Meredith scrolled to another number and pushed the button. "Hello, Chief of Surgery, Dr. Ravi Gupta please. Yes, please tell him this is Dr. Meredith Grey calling from Seattle. Thank you." Meredith looked at her fingernails, "Hello, sir. How is Saroj? Yes, she was a great roommate. I miss her. Yes, you once offered, after I tutored Saroj through her medical boards, to make a place for me in your surgical program at Virginia's Norfolk Surgical Complex. Yes sir, I might need to take you up on your offer, if it is still open." Meredith flipped her phone off with a satisfied click after making arrangements.

Her friends tried to get a word in but she scrolled and clicked again, muttering to herself that it was too early to call Cedars-Sinai in LA but she'd take the risk. She quickly left a message for the Chief of Surgery there and at San Francisco Memorial and at San Antonio's Santa Maria in Texas. Then she thought of home, so she called Harvard Surgical in Boston. She introduced herself as Dr. Harrington Grey, while her friends eyes bugged out. Applications would be sent forthwith and assurances of a secured place rang in her ears.

"What?" she said to their stupefied faces, "My great grandfather was Dr. Berrisford Harrington, of the Harrington building and seat at Harvard. My grandfather was Dr. James Harrington, pioneer in early neuro-surgical techniques. My mother is Dr. Ellis Grey, one of the first great women surgeons, pioneer of the Grey laproscopic technique. I am Dr. Meredith Grey and I will be a great surgeon one day, like the rest of my family." She looked away from them and frowned, "I've never done that before... It felt good." Her inner scoreboard lit up with a smiley face point for each phone call. Each point wore a surgical cap and mask in a different color. Their little eyes twinkled at her merrily. She surreptitiously winked back.

Alex had stood grinning during her recitation and was now leaning against the lockers with his arms crossed over his chest. It was good to see Meredith off the ropes, dancing and jabbing. George wore an upset, troubled look on his face. He stood too, with his arms hanging limply by his sides. Izzie shook her head slowly from side to side, stunned by what they'd just heard. Who knew Mer could wield power like that?

Cristina was blown away by a mixture of opposing emotions. Meredith was not only a Grey but a Harrington! She wasn't just inbred, she was true fourth generation surgical royalty. Envy hummed in Cristina's chest. Surprise also fought for supremacy. Cristina knew she'd been involved with Burke and surgery a lot, but how had she missed her friend sinking so low she'd decided to resign?

"What are you people doing in here?! Rounds now!" Dr. Bailey snapped. They ran after her with no chance to say anything else, but Meredith knew the gossips would soon be at work. She sighed.

**Please review.**


	5. Stay

**This is the last chapter. Meredith finds out how people really see her. Thank you for all the reviews. I always look forward to all of them. sam**

Chapter 5: Stay

The week swept by. At home, Meredith caught up on sleep, food and chores. She faxed applications to a dozen surgical programs. She talked to the director at Roseridge about moving her mom when the time came. She called a realtor about selling her house in Seattle. She answered no phone calls from the other interns, telling them at rounds that she slept all day so she missed their calls.

She only had three terrible bouts of depression and sadness, but she was able to pull herself through them by researching surgeons and cities on the internet, trying to decide where to move. She also got through by playing her brand new piano, bought from her mother's account. She'd decided that her mother should buy her the piano for three graduations. The new luxury car was for twelve Christmases and birthdays.

She still dreamed and fantasized about Derek but she was trying to move him into the past and face reality. She told herself Derek was an illusion over and over, trying to believe it. It helped not having to see him with adders-on every day. Every time she thought of him she made herself think of her real future husband who was waiting for her, ready to love her just as she was. She watched "Bridget Jones's Diary" and cried at the end when Bridget's guy did just that for Bridget.

_That's for me,_ she thought, _it could happen._

At work, Dr. Grey managed to avoid most gossip by keeping her head down and working the night shift doing scut. Her firefighter was almost ready to leave post op intensive care. Night after night his stats had spoiled and it had been touch and go for Igawa. Meredith learned she had to watch him like a hawk. She'd taken to sitting next to his bed when she wrote up reports, always accompanied by at least one firefighter from Engine Company Nine. For some reason Igawa responded atypically to most meds and procedures. Meredith held her breath every time she had to change his medication. Somehow, they'd managed to pull him through. Mr. Jones was well enough to be discharged and Dr. Monahan was only now being moved to a regular room.

She didn't see the Shepherd or She-Shepherd at all. Apparently, they had the week off like most department heads. It was easier not to see him, she firmly told herself.

Meredith saw Bailey's interns briefly on rounds, that was all. She avoided them, because she felt there was nothing to say. She also didn't want to add any more grist to the intern gossip mill. She'd talk to them after she made all the formal arrangements.

The night shift crews were another story. Meredith couldn't avoid them and didn't want to. They approached her one at a time or in groups asking her about the rumors they'd heard. She answered them as honestly and as briefly as she could. As little as she said, they knew what they'd witnessed first hand over the last few months. They were angry and sad to lose her. They didn't like how unfair it all was. They started running interference for her and standing up for her like a small defensive army.

ooo

New Year's Eve was crazy. Dr. Grey didn't sit still once. Her patients and their families in surgical, the Pit and the OR forced her to shower and change her scrubs eight times. She was covered in so many unspeakable substances, it got to be a running joke with the staff. She finally had to ask Michelle in peds to borrow a set of scrubs in her tiny size, since she'd used up everything surgical had. Her inner dark and twisty girl couldn't believe she was wearing pink scrubs. She earned two sneering faces next to one hysterically laughing face with lmao over its head on her inner score board.

Everyone kept up a tremendous pace through the night with multiple car accidents in the Pit, and post-ops on surgical going sour one after the other. Meredith raced from one situation to the next, sometimes handling two patients coding at the same time. The whole time she had to remember to keep a sharp eye on Igawa. He couldn't afford another setback. She breathed a sigh of relief as dawn and the day shift approached.

ooo

"What is going on?" Burke asked Shepherd.

"I have no idea," Shepherd shrugged, irritated. He'd planned on fishing at dawn, not having a meeting in the Chief's office instead.

"This is just too early to be up. I hated this when I was an intern." Montgomery-Shepherd commented dryly, "In fact, I'm fairly sure I hate it now."

Baker burst into the room, irascible as always when not concentrating directly on a surgery. The others sighed and thought it was a good thing he'd be retiring in a few months.

Two other department heads slouched in chairs directly across from the Chief's desk. One propped his head on his hand and closed his eyes, almost asleep. Wide awake next to them sat Miranda Bailey, checking her watch every few minutes. She muttered under her breath about rounds and her interns.

The Chief entered his office with his personal assistant, Patricia. She carried a stack of faxes, reports and letters. His eyebrows were drawn together and his eyes had a flinty glare. Patricia's face was empty of her normal good humor. That more than anything made the attendings sit up.

"What the hell is going on in my Surgical?" He questioned them abruptly, "I come in to check on things after Adele has made me take vacation for a few days, and what do I find?" he didn't wait for them to figure out what to say, but grabbed the faxes and threw them in front of his best surgeons. They could read names like Cedars-Sinai, Cornell, Johns-Hopkins and Harvard.

Derek picked up a fax and read, "'We would be pleased to accept Dr. Meredith Rochelle Harrington Grey's transfer into our surgical internship as soon as you release her from your contract. We would also like a letter stating that she is currently in good standing and the number of hours she has accrued in your program.' What the hell is this!?" His voice rose. He couldn't believe how panicked he felt. Meredith couldn't leave. He was barely hanging on now. What if he never saw her again?

Burke pushed his squared glasses up his nose and picked up two more. They said essentially the same thing. His eyebrows climbed his forehead. So this was the problem with Cristina. Even for her, she'd been taciturn and short this week.

Dr. Bailey nodded to herself and sat back. She'd wondered how long it would take Grey to act. Interesting that this was the form she chose.

"That's not all," said Patricia, "This was also submitted." She plopped a type written letter in front of them. Derek's heart lurched at the sight of Meredith's signature, "It's a request for release of contract by first year intern Dr. Meredith Grey."

"I want to know why Ellis Grey's little girl is asking to LEAVE MY PROGRAM!" the Chief's voice tripled in volume.

"Richard, maybe it's for the best," Addison said. Derek turned and glared daggers at her, "I'm just saying these are all great programs. I wonder how she managed it."

"No, Addie, it's not! I won't let you and Shepherd drive away Ellis Grey's daughter! No matter how important you think you are, Ellis Grey trumps you. I've known her little girl since she was born! I used to change her diapers. I was her 'Uncle Richard' until she was five years old! You realize if Dr. Grey travels across the country she'll be moving Ellis across the country! NOT GOOD! Whatever you two are doing to my...," He reined in his temper deliberately, "Whatever you two are doing to force Dr. Grey out, it has got to stop! Now! Don't push me on this."

"Richard, we haven't...," Addison started but was interrupted by Baker.

Dr. Baker demanded, "This is why we're here before dawn on New Year's Day? Because an incompetent first year quits? Who cares!?"

Before Derek or the Chief could object, Dr. Bailey stood up and faced Dr. Baker, "You should care, Dr. Baker. That girl managed to save a doctor's life, one of your plastic surgeons, while you did everything you could to stop her. How dare you continue to criticize her when your own competency on this matter should be called into question!"

"Miranda!" Addison gasped.

"I have to agree with Dr. Bailey about Monahan, Baker. I think you owe Dr. Grey a public apology," the Chief growled. He turned to Dr. Bailey and said, "How is Dr. Grey's work performance?"

Dr. Bailey looked at the Chief as Dr. Baker gasped and spluttered objections, "Grey's work has been exemplary. She handles the patients and their families with compassion without getting too familiar. They ask for her by name."

"She instinctively seems to know when to stand her ground on an issue, like Monahan, when no one else agrees. Most of the time she's right."

"She's a leader. She has unconsciously assembled support staff as a team working with her from every possible group in the hospital," Bailey went on, "For example, Grey can always get her lab results and films hours earlier than any other intern. She manages to multi task and coordinate among the OR, the Pit and the Floor smoothly. She's become so adept, it looks effortless. She never slacks and she never complains to me about anything – even about the unfounded damaging accusations Hart made in front of you the other day, sir."

The Chief looked with unfriendly eyes at Baker, and then glared at everyone, "You asked why this is important. Besides the fact that Dr. Grey is an 'exemplary' doctor, and the fact that her mother is a close friend of mine, Dr. Grey is a Harrington Grey, daughter and granddaughter of some of the biggest pioneers in our field. I don't want our program to get a black eye from losing such an important potential surgeon. She is fourth generation!"

"Chief, don't forget these," Patricia laid the last batch of papers on the table.

They all picked one up. Baker's voice was a thin, high screech, "What? What is the meaning of this?"

Each paper was a letter condemning the slanderous, abusive attacks on Dr. Grey. Some were from patients, some from patient's families, and some were from her colleagues, notably high ranking nursing staff. There was even one there signed by an entire Fire Department Engine Company led by Captain Brewer.

The Chief became incensed anew looking at the letters. "Legal says Dr. Grey has a potential law suit, people! This is an ugly situation. You are responsible for your surgeons and your staff. Slanderous persecution can not continue in my Surgery!"

One of the slouchy attendings started to say something and then subsided at the Chief's slitty eyed look.

"Meredith has been very despondent for obvious reasons," Bailey nodded towards Derek and Addison, "She's also put in way too many hours recently, because of the flu outbreak among the staff. I discovered it when I signed the hours log last night. So all of that is on top of the gossip problem and holiday season."

"I don't care what you all have to do," the Chief stated grimly at that, displeased with the Shepherds, "I want this fixed. I want it fixed now! I want Meredith Grey to stay at Seattle Grace! Take care of it."

ooo

Bailey's interns waited for her at the main surgical nurses' station. Once again it buzzed with activity. RNs and LVNs, lab techs and surgical techs, interns and residents, personnel coming on duty and personnel going off duty all intermingled in and out of the station. Meredith frantically worked over charts posting notes and updating as much as she could. She'd had almost no time to keep up the paperwork in the night.

Her friends were teasing her unmercifully over the pink scrubs when three fire fighters approached, coming from Igawa's room. Captain Brewer cleared his throat. His men stood behind him, one on each side, "Dr. Grey, we just wanted to..."

Dr. Michelle Wang frantically called to Meredith from the elevator, "Meredith, help me find Mattie, he's escaped again!" She started looking all over surgical for a precocious five year old involved in a car crash last night. He kept trying to find his mom on the surgical floor. He shouldn't be up, and his mom was still unconscious, post operative. But Mattie wouldn't wait. Meredith and Michelle had already had to track him down once before. Bailey's interns spread out calling for Mattie. They didn't have far to go as it turned out. Meredith caught sight of a pajama clad foot peeping out from under the charts table. She caught the others attention and pointed down.

They surrounded the table and Meredith said coaxingly, "Mattie, it's Dr. Grey. Peekaboo. It's time to come out," the tiny foot disappeared deeper under the cart.

Michelle sighed and looked at Meredith over her pregnant tummy, "Would you mind doing the honors?" she asked.

"No problem," Everyone grinned as Meredith stretched out full length on her stomach and slid half way under the table to grab the little boy. She had to shimmy herself backwards once she had him. Even Captain Brewer smiled at the rescue operation. She'd drawn the child out and was standing when a comment in the crowd rang out.

"Look at her, at it again, laying like a rug, in pink scrubs," the voice was unmistakably Hart's, "I heard she couldn't make it in surgical, so now she's ped's problem? Figures she'd join the peds pros."

Unfortunately for Hart, quiet had just fallen on the busy scene as everyone looked curiously at the extremely unusual site of Dr. Webber and five department heads, along with Bailey and Patricia descending the stairs at 5:00 in the morning, every face grim. Everyone heard the ugly remark. Derek's face hardened to an angry mask. Addison looked at him and then at Meredith. She sighed, she didn't want Derek to feel he had to defend the girl. That put them way too close to each other.

Michelle gasped and turned, a hand on her pregnant belly, "What did you just say? About peds and Dr. Grey? Meredith is this how people are allowed to speak to you here? No wonder you are thinking of leaving."

Meredith spoke up, "No, no one should speak like this. It's unprofessional. Dr. Hart, if the old saying 'what you don't know, can't hurt you' is true, you must be practically invulnerable."

"Yes, Dr. Grey, I agree – completely unprofessional. My apologies for this or any other similar unprofessional act on the part of my resident. And no Dr. Wang, it's not allowed," said Burke, his face promising retribution for Hart, "Dr. Hart, a sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind." Several interns and residents gasped at Dr. Burke apologizing. That just didn't happen. Hart and her friends froze, red-faced, busted.

George suggested, "Dr. Wang maybe you should take Mattie back to peds now." Michelle hurriedly gathered herself and swept her little patient away. Noise and movement recommenced gradually at the station. Webber's group joined the interns and residents in front of it.

"You have all been warned more than once. Now we have written complaints. I expect all of you in my office this afternoon at 1:00 to discuss entries on your permanent records, punitive steps and legal ramifications of defamation. Dr. Bailey, it seems my residents require remedial training. What do you have for them?"

Bailey's interns stared at each other shocked. Bailey shrugged, "The usual, Dr. Burke, rectals, stitches, charts, projectile vomiting, oozing bed sores, explosive diarrhea."

Dr. Burke looked at Hart and her crew, "You are Dr. Bailey's interns on scut for the next two weeks. It was her intern you undermined. It is her choice." He raised his hand when they started to protest, "It is either that or you are suspended without pay, not just for this latest attack, but for two months of an aggravated campaign of gossip and slander."

Captain Brewer shook Dr. Burke's hand. "Thank you, sir. It has been very troubling to me and my men to see a fine, hardworking person like Dr. Grey hurt. Is one of you Dr. Webber?" he asked the crowd of attendings. Meredith's eyes filled with tears as she realized they hadn't bought Hart's cruel remarks.

"I'm Webber," said the Chief. Burke's pager called him away and the two slouchy department heads left for their beds as they'd been in surgery all night on the car crashes.

"We want you and Dr. Grey to know how highly Engine Company Nine regards her. She has been instrumental four times in saving the lives and health of my men. Without her care this last week, I don't think Igawa would have survived. I have submitted her name to our Chief for a special commendation from the Seattle Fire Department," he smiled at Meredith, "And the men have voted unanimously to invite you to the Thursday night poker game. You are the first civilian we've ever invited." Meredith's point on her inner board appeared wearing a firefighters helmet and grinning cheerfully.

"Oh, I'm honored, I'd love to come! Tell the men, thank you. May I bring an escort?" Meredith smiled a real smile at the three men. Derek felt the sun had finally come out from behind a dark cloud. At the firefighters' bemused nods followed by their looks at all the handsome doctors standing around, Meredith turned to the janitor. She asked Mr. Sandage, who'd been emptying a trash can at the nurses' station for ten minutes, "Would you like to be my date, Mr. Sandage, to a poker game?"

The old man had been invisible to that point. Suddenly, all eyes focused on him. "I'd be honored Dr. Grey." He smiled proudly and the once handsome face of his youth shone through his age.

The firemen left without another look at Hart. Being a Nordic beauty she wasn't accustomed to being ignored by handsome men. It inflamed her that Grey was getting the attention again. Everyone saved lives at Seattle Grace. She wasn't special.

"It's not slander if it's true!" Hart said belatedly to Webber, desperate now, panicked at being brought to task so firmly, "Everyone knows Grey slept with a married attending. Trying to get all the best surgeries, right?" she sneered.

Before Webber could speak Shepherd stepped forward, physically between Meredith and Hart. "Dr. Hart, neither my private life nor Dr. Grey's is any of your business. However, just in the interest of setting things straight, the truth is that my wife and I were separated with no intention of reconciling when Dr. Grey and I met, outside this hospital, before she started working here. We had no idea I would be her boss. The vicious assumptions you made are completely false."

Derek heaved a sigh, "Meredith wasn't with me because she wanted anything from me professionally." He looked at Meredith with melting eyes for a moment. Then he looked at Bailey's interns, his colleagues and finally his reconciled wife. He said very sadly, "We were in love."

Meredith's black and grey world exploded with color. Derek was actually stating in public that he'd loved her. He hadn't misled her deliberately. Hardened hurt started dissolving. No matter what else happened the sun of his love would always shine on her. He loved her.

_Maybe,_ a voice whispered in the back of Meredith's mind,_ it won't work out for them. Maybe there is still a chance. _

For Meredith, who was used to living on tiny crumbs, this was a large scrap of hope. He loved her. Her starved heart filled with joy. Her very cells brightened with light energy. Her inner scoreboard lit up like a pinball machine scoring mega triple points. Heart shaped smiley faces danced with each other.

"We fell in love with each other. Our relationship was important. It wasn't a fling or something tawdry. Meredith has supported me in my decision to accept my wife back, to try again. It makes me incredibly disappointed that all this has been used against Meredith, who has been blameless from the start. I'm sorry, Meredith, for everything." He took her hand and brushed his lips over her knuckles. Once again people gasped as an attending apologized to a first year. Meredith's whole body clenched at the touch of his lips. OMG said the swooning points on her board.

"Doctors you're dismissed," Derek said to Hart and her cronies.

Addison stepped forward in her Claudia Ciuti pumps. She started to say something at the same moment Mr. Sandage lifted a large wet mop into his service cart. The mop somehow slipped from his hands and slapped her soddenly across the face. Then it squishily fell, covering her entire left foot, destroying her pump.

_That was better than a bear eating it!_ _Oh my God! _ Meredith thought, watching Mr. Sandage closely, she just loved that old man. Was that an accident or on purpose? Mmm.

The incident completely broke the strange tableau that had formed at the station. Mr. Sandage abjectly apologized to Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, while everyone from the Chief to nurse's aides tried not to laugh in her face. Derek hid a smile. She left as quickly as she could. For Meredith, it was a complete revelation to see the She-Shepherd not so perfect after all.

Everyone started dispersing in different directions. Dr. Bailey requested a fellow resident take her interns on rounds.

Dr. Webber instructed, "Not you Dr. Grey, please come to the conference room with Dr. Bailey, Dr. Baker, Dr. Shepherd and myself."

"Dr. Bailey, Dr. Webber, if this is about Mer leaving, we should be there too," said Dr. Yang, speaking for the first time in ages.

"I agree," said Izzie. "We have input we haven't been allowed to voice."

"Cristina's right, sir. This affects us all." George supplied.

Alex nodded silently and stood with Mer. Webber shrugged and left it up to Bailey. She looked consideringly at all of them. Abruptly she nodded.

Before they could get there, Nurse Tyler approached Dr. Grey. "Nurse Debbie thought you could use these. She had me get them from the laundry for you. She said you might be tired of pink." He handed her eight sets of fresh blue scrubs complete with undershirts. Dr. Grey smiled and waved thanks to Debbie. Debbie smiled back. Everyone stopped and stared until her face dropped into its habitual scowl.

Two paces later the lab tech, Tommy, delivered a huge stack of labs along with a specialty coffee to Grey, "Mickey wondered why you didn't stop by. He thought you might need these. He told me to tell you to give him a call if you need anything else. He also said it's a new year and you should reconsider leaving us."

Once again Meredith was overwhelmed by everyone's kindness. She wasn't numb to the good now and the bad wasn't so bad. The other doctors couldn't believe that the lab had actually come to Meredith instead of her having to go to the lab. George and Izzie looked at Meredith with new found respect.

Everyone sat around a large conference table. The Chief cleared his throat and said, "Dr. Baker, I believe you have something to say to Grey."

Dr. Baker's face turned puce and wore an expression as sour as a lemon. He quickly and resentfully apologized to Meredith. The Chief dismissed him.

"Dr. Grey, I have no intention of releasing you from your contract with Seattle Grace Surgical," the Chief stated unequivocally, "You are turning into a top notch doctor and I won't let you go without a fight." He tore her resignation in two.

"Chief?" Meredith was stunned. She hadn't anticipated that they'd want to keep her.

"Meredith, what were you thinking?" Derek asked softly. He was still so in love with her. He heaved a breath and promised himself that if this feeling didn't subside with time he'd throw propriety to the wind and leave Addison. He hoped he wouldn't be too late with Mer.

"I thought it would be better for everyone, including me, if I left," she tried to explain.

"Humph," Bailey snorted, "You mean you weren't thinking. Who can think on two hundred fifty hours in sixteen days? You know the eighty hour limit, Grey. There's a reason for it. As of the end of this meeting you are off duty until the hours even out."

"Meredith, why didn't you ask us for help?" Cristina burst out, "Or take my phone calls?"

"Or even talk to us?" George asked stiffly, "For real."

"Or say no to extra hours?" Alex joined in.

"Or tell anyone how bad the gossip was?" Izzie shook her head, "Hart was unbelievable. How many others have there been?"

"I couldn't talk anymore. I...," Meredith was at a loss. She didn't really understand why they were all annoyed.

"Don't you get it, Mer? We're family." Izzie said.

"And if we're stupid and don't see what you need then you have to stand on top of us." Cristina was semi-apologizing.

"You don't get to just leave!" George declared, "You don't abandon us, we don't abandon you."

"Genie eyes, this place wouldn't be the same without you." Alex said, "So we're jerks sometimes. It doesn't mean we're not a team."

Dr. Bailey stood up, "Dr. Grey, if you need to leave this program, I'll tell you. Rest assured. Now, we have work to do. Doctors."

The Chief and Bailey swept out followed by the interns. Meredith and Derek sat together, alone in an empty conference room. _We love each other _sat between them. For a stolen moment they looked at the truth in each other's eyes. Both had a glimpse of the not too distant future.

Dr. Meredith Grey wasn't just surviving anymore. She was living and loving. She did have a team – a family. She had three great loves. And she had a place at Seattle Grace as – the Intern.

Epilogue: A tiny smiley face point of deep seated soul love from Meredith's inner score board leapt onto Derek's inner train, determined to switch his tracks into the right depot. The other deep soul love points smiled smugly in satisfaction.

**Please be sure and review. I consider your review my payday and I love every one. sam  
**


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